Dancing with Pit Bulls
Spring has sprung, the sun has finally decided to shine, and I am still huddled in a corner channel surfing. To be honest, some days it simply does not matter whether Mother Nature is agreeable or not. Today, it appears I am in a pissing match with my alter ego. Just for fun, let’s be predictable and call her Sybil.
Now, Sybil can actually be the life of the party – if you like people poised to kill. It often takes every ounce of my energy to sidetrack her maniacal disposition and actually crack a smile. Sometimes that smile leads to an extremely positive attitude; sometimes it does not. Some people are lucky to elude Sybil’s devilish magnetism; some are not. Think about it – how lucky do you feel right now? Will Sybil’s twin sister add you to her fight card?
As usual, however, this pissing competition has me spiraling down yet more of Alice’s rabbit holes.
My first deep dive was The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, an 1886 Gothic novella by Scottish author Robert Louis Stevenson. It is documented that Stevenson had long been intrigued by the idea of how human personalities can reflect the interplay between good and evil. Whether you acknowledge or ignore it, I personally doubt that anyone is immune from an unpredictably dual nature. Do all of you have momentary battles between good and evil? Please say yes or I am in serious trouble here.
Then my mind time-warped inexplicably to the possibility that sometimes we just try to escape reality. I certainly daydream, don’t you? But in this particular rabbit hole, people experiencing a disconnection and lack of continuity between thoughts, actions, and identity might be diagnosed with a mental disorder known as DD (Dissociative Disorder). Could Sybil be toying with my sanity?
Okay, so these rabbit holes have been ridiculous diversions from the fact that I am just completely unmotivated. I am absolutely certain I am not suffering from a personality disorder. Well, I am at least 99.3% certain. I am still baffled about what makes anyone choose to withdraw from a perfect opportunity to enjoy nature’s bountiful blessings and retreat into isolation.
The easiest explanation for me is that isolating when life seems to suck allows me to feel like I am in control. Life is always a challenge, and while I cannot specifically define what “sucks” means, I just know that it relates to being out of sorts. There is safety in getting lost in the digital world of online programming. It may be a band-aid fix for deeper-seated issues, but for now, it saves me from contributing to my own delinquency.
Tomorrow is a new day and will present a whole new realm of possibility. Have no fear I will rip off that band-aid with one deliberate yank and find myself ready to indulge in the gifts of nature. With any luck, Sybil will be off somewhere dancing with pit bulls. Ah, but that is fodder for yet another rant.
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5/27/2022 10:25:06 am
So when do you plan to tear off your band aid of depression, and move on with your life..... You know, I think it's called growing as a person. Or, maybe it's called getting outside yourself. I know this is the place to be self involved, However, reading this is just depressing. Have you done something like a random act of kindness you could tell us about??? Kindness is free to give, and uplifting for those of us who read your blog.
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Jacque Jarrett Stratman