Misguided Ambition

Autumn is just inspiring, isn’t it? Truly. The balance of the season’s crisp and rejuvenating elements with its spectacular splash of color always brings my train of thought to its knees. It is a rush of awareness and I love it.
 
As I was out walking last week, I was captivated by the vision of leaves floating aimlessly all around me as if suspended in time. Serendipitously, I wondered what it would feel like to dance in the wind without meaning or direction – to be able to think, move, love, or laugh without bending to the expectations of someone, something… anything.
 
Why do we selflessly abandon a hope, dream, or personal need for someone else's enlightenment? We have all done it, right? Oh, you can deny it, but you know you have. It takes no forethought sometimes to manipulate our actions to please others. And sometimes, those “others” may not even be deserving of that sacrifice.
 
Sure, you can lecture me on the benefits of giving and the healing nature of kindness. And I will agree with you wholeheartedly. But sometimes, even if only rarely, we give of ourselves not out of kindness, but expectation.
 
I have written here a lot this year about how our moral centers appear to be careening out of kilter – that our thoughts and intentions are far too self-centered, even to the detriment of life as we know it.
 
I wonder – did my parents and grandparents think the same thing? Did they too believe we were all going to hell in a handbasket? The answer to me is obvious. Of course they did.
 
But autumn washes away all concern. Maybe the fresh air just sweeps away all of our cerebral cobwebs. I work harder, sleep better, and worry less. It is an aberration that defies common sense.
 
But whoever said I was sensible? I thrive on misguided ambition (or lack thereof).
 
Recently, I saw the storyline of a new series where a young girl was making out her bucket list. Oh wow, did that send shivers down my spine. My immediate realization haunts me. I do not have a bucket list. And I do not know if that is good, or bad.
 
You see, my “Once Upon a Time...” became a bucket list I have lived on all my life. I have laughed and loved, wined and dined, and traveled to some of the world’s most romantic and exotic destinations. While I felt like I never got everything I wanted, I have honestly never wanted for anything.
 
How could anyone so blessed be so arrogant as to have a list for more?
 
Now, how does this tie in with autumn? Your guess is as good as mine. I suppose it is the analogy it holds with graceful aging (i.e., the autumn of our lives). My leaves are falling, and there is nothing I can do to stop them.
 
Fine. I admit my psychological tangents run amuck at times. So just grab a cup of hot tea or a potent cocktail and try to keep up, okay? Ah, but that is fodder for yet another rant.
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