Shapeshifters

Okay. Fine. Whatever. Let’s do this. Weight – the forbidden topic. It is one of those days that I am absolutely, positively, without a doubt, certain that my mirror lies just to piss me off. I believe it takes great pleasure in making me look like an old, fat person – neither of which I am just to clarify. Okay, so between winter and this lockdown nonsense, my molecular structure may have shapeshifted just a bit, but I refuse to give in to its cruelty. Body image is the one topic that most people view through blind eyes. I am no exception.
 
In January I had a video-appointment with my doctor. We had our usual chit-chat about basics. When he asked me if I had any concerns, I asked him what my exact weight was on my last in-office visit. I had weighed myself that morning, stark naked with an empty stomach, of course, and needed to acknowledge what winter damage was done. Once he told me, I smirked with an “it is not as bad as I thought” grin. Due to some hypertension issues in the past, he has always harped about the need to control my weight. I joyfully admitted, “I am only up 10.1 pounds. I was sure it was going to be more.” He looked at me with shocked scorn and I waited for the expected lecture. “Is that all?” he asked. Well, well, this was a welcomed shift in attitude. “I have decided to call this pandemic Covid-15,” he spouted, “because I have not had one patient present with less than a 15-pound weight gain.” That was a relief, yet I knew 10.1 pounds was still too much. Why? Because putting it on is easy; getting it off is brutal.
 
I have not been on the scales since then, and I honestly think that I have probably packed on a few more pounds. I was curious to know how I ranked among others during this stressful time. While the numbers are all over the place, The American Psychological Association reported that about 42% of Americans gained a stunning 29 pounds on average while 18% unintentionally lost a surprising 26 pounds on average. A home-bound, sedentary lifestyle not only offers time to cook and snack more but also accelerates muscle loss which would affect both ends of the weight spectrum. I am thrilled to be under the average gain but devastated that I am outside of that glorious 18%.  But it is hard to lose muscle weight when you have no muscle! Note to self: work on that.
 
Doing the math here, 40% of Americans are not on this Richter scale. I obviously fall into that group. It would be interesting to know how many, if any, successfully maintained their current weight. I raise a glass to anyone who managed to do that. Except for men perhaps. We all know that the male metabolism for some reason has a conscience with regard to weight gain/loss. Females can look at cheesecake and gain. Our metabolism just belly-laughs at us (no pun intended).
 
So, Spring has sprung, and I officially have no reason not to hit the pavement and work on this mess of a body. Being available and able, however, are not necessarily motivators in my actions though. I have already managed to adapt my food intake back to reasonable levels and that was amazingly easier than I anticipated. Getting myself actually moving is another story. God help those of us who suffer from deteriorating joints and unwanted spine issues. Misery loves company though, so having a partner in misery would definitely help achieve success. I am taking applications for that position.
 
Above all, I am hopeful and that speaks volumes. Even with a weight gain, I am in a better place this year in spite of a long, irritating winter. I attribute this attitude to this blog. Forcing yourself to rant and rave about nonsensical garbage is profoundly good for the soul. I cannot vouch for your soul, but I hope it has the same effect on my readers. If not, oh just keep reading anyway. If you stop, you might miss out on another one of my deliriously hormonal meltdowns. Ah, but that is fodder for yet another rant.

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